Thursday, May 08, 2008

Victory and Defeat

I managed to remember to have flowers for Jacelyn to bring to school for Mary's crowning. I forgot last year, and she left the car in tears saying, "But mommy, they are flowers for Mary!" (Talk about guilt!). I couldn't even run to the store to get some and bring them back to her because they went straight into mass from morning prayer. I felt horrible all year and made a point of remembering this year. And I did! Hooray!

The last few days have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, pretty much across all lines.
For example: Jacelyn, on her third week of swim lessons, did the backstroke for the entire length of the pool yesterday, entirely on her own. However, while I was watching her do so, her brother took the opportunity to spit up (possibly everthing he had eaten over the course of the day) all over my right arm and shoulder. His face was also covered in this bizarre, mucus-y spit-up. When I attemped to wipe his face with a blanket it wouldn't wipe off, it just sort of smeared. This occurred fairly early on in the swim lesson, allowing ample time for us to sit in the sun and for the spit-up and its' lovely smell to bake into my clothes and skin.

Bubba has gotten into the habit of waking up sometime between 12am and 2am to eat and then stays up for an hour or so. He will eventually fall back asleep and then wake up every two hours after that to eat. This leads to exhaustion on my part, because my sleep cycle is so broken. I feel like some sort of zombie, daily. This is causing me all sorts of problems. I can't manage to stay awake until my husband gets home from work (at anywhere between 9pm and 11pm). Last night I couldn't even stay up to get Jacelyn in bed - I fell asleep on the sofa with Bubba, and Jacelyn climbed up with us and fell asleep, too. I find myself frazzled by the slightest difficulty, and quick to get angry or overwhelmingly sad. I am frustrated with myself, most of all, and what seems to be a lack of ability to get anything done in a timely manner, or well, or at all. I am worried: is post-partum depression? Or just lack of sleep? Or is this regular old depression? Add to that some conflicts with my husband over household stuff and I am just stressed out.

I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and do what I have to do, and eventually I'll feel better. But keep me in your thoughts and prayers - I'm having a tough time right now. Thanks!


Aimee said...

Praying for you tonight -- this is certainly not an easy time for you. I'm sure that your lack of sleep has a lot to do with your moods, but maybe you may want to speak with your doctor about how you are feeling. I've had postpartum depression 3 out of the 4 times and this is exactly how I felt. I only needed to take some medicine for a few months until all the hormones stabilized and then I was back to myself again. I always resisted, but then I finally thought, "Why make this harder than it already is?"

Hang in there, mama.

twithhoney said...

It seems like the blues are going around right now. However if you're feeling this way you may need a little outside help.

Realizing that you feel this way and that something needs to give is a great start to feeling better. Maybe it is just lack of sleep but if you manage to get a good night and some naps in and it doesn't help then it's time to call the doctor's office. It could be post-partum depression. It could also be nutritional or a whacked out thyroid - that can happen post-partum too. The worst that happens is you see the doctor and are told to get thyself to a spa for a massage, right?