Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Up Yours, Always

I tend to be brand loyal. For some products, when I find something that works for me, I stick with it. The selection of feminine hygiene products is a fine example. A very personal thing, pads and whatnot, and there is a myriad of brands and options available. With or without wings, scented or unscented, regular or super, flushable applicators, quiet wrapping, I could go on and on. I have long been an avid fan of a particular Always product. Always has gone through some changes, and every time I would be slightly terrified: are they going to change? Will my favorite Always product be discontinued? But, the classics never go out of style, so I have been safe, thus far. I have seen Always through packaging changes, logo changes, and a temporary per-product assignation of colorful shapes that was dropped rather quickly after they kept changing the shapes and confusing the consumer.

I have one complaint with Always: the little tear-off strip that covers the wings is emblazoned, not just once but over and over, with the phrase "Have a happy period".

What? Uh-uh. There's very little happiness to be found in periods. Except for when they are over. Don't condescend to me, Always. I'm not in the mood. Don't tell me to have a happy period. I'm bloated, cramping, have a headache that would kill a lesser person, I am bleeding in an uncomfortable place, and I think I smell funny. What do I have to be happy about? Up yours, Always. Every time I see that little phrase it just cheeses me off. Would Valtrex include the phrase 'Have a happy herpes outbreak' on their product? I don't think so. Would Monistat put 'Have a happy yeast infection' on their packaging? NO. Smug Always bastards.

There are far better ideas for that tear-off strip. Here are mine:
-Jokes. Print jokes. Possibly off-color, or about men. That would lighten up the experience.
-A story in parts. Or a poem. Every pad would have one line, or paragraph, progressing through a package of pads. Or maybe limericks. That would be awesome.
-Cartoons. Maybe political in nature, or just standard cartoons. Like the Family Circus. You could sit there, laughing and shaking your head and saying, "Oh, that Jeffy".
-Sell it as advertising space. While annoying, you could at least appreciate the ingenuity.

That's my rant for the day. I'm gone to fire off a hormonally charged e-mail to the Always company. I love their product, but hate their message.


Anonymous said...

What women go through an a monthly basis, is well, tough. If I found blood in my underwear I would run through the streets yelling "My balls are bleeding, someone help me"! A long lonely run. If you do the disgusting math, Three Months out of the year is spent leaking from a very personal place. I would apologize but it is not my fault; however I still feel bad for you girls.
Men are brand loyal too. Condoms, motor oil, peanut butter, tub and tile caulk, you know stuff that really matters.
The label thing would bother me too. I'm suprised Trojan hasn't tried anything like that. Like "Go Boy" or "Hot Stud" or "Hope you don't become flacid".
Beer manufactuers have tried it. RedDog had snappy sayings on the inside of the caps. Molsons' prints two lables. One that has the Molson logo, the other with a cute caption and or picture.
All in all, cute crap at the wrong time isn't cute.

Teresa said...

I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how hard I laughed when I read this today. Thank you for sharing. It made my day! You are so witty and hilarious!

TX Jen said...

My comment on this entry ended up on your itchy skin blog. Here it goes again: just know they got that idea from an episode of Red Dwarf. Yeah, periods aren't happy on my end either. Yes, tell me to have a happy period when it serves as a monthly reminder that I'm a failure as a woman.

As your sis would say, "BLAR!"