Friday, October 28, 2005

Vicarious Guilt

I'll make this short, due to the magnum size of yesterday's post.

I like to think naughty, but act nice, most of the time. There is the rare moment where I act on impulse and misbehave with a fervor few have seen, but most of the time I try to act right. This is not to say that my mind is on the straight and narrow; indeed, it is as far from the straight and narrow as one can get. But I have modified my evil thoughts to match the tendencies and compulsions of those around me. And it's such a nerdy naughty. A dorkish dastardly. Example: when cleaning the bathroom I sometimes, with great glee and gusto, giggle while thinking about cleaning the toilet and then the sink, instead of the other way around. Some will get the utter heinousness of this immediately; others will not: I mean clean the toilet and then use the same ick-ridden rag to clean the sink afterwards, smearing toilet-germs all over the sink. I never do it, but I think about it, and then I feel guilty for thinking about it. So, in summation, I feel guilty for thoughts; for things never done but considered, however briefly, and with great relish. Then I ponder my motives: would I, in fact, commit this housekeeping atrocity if I were not also patronizing the bathroom in question? This adds a whole new dimension to the self-doubt. I am a boundless fountain of guilt; there is no end to they torment I impose upon myself for slights, whether real or imagined. The lesson here? I am hard pressed for one, short of "Don't be like me". That's some good advice right there. Or at least, "Don't be like me in this aspect of my personality and its' myriad of disorders". I don't think I'm crazy, but I know I ain't right. :-) That's enough soul-baring for one day, I think, and I'm certain anyone reading this would agree with me. Good day to all (by that I mean, both of the people that read this rubbish), and good weekend, and here's to a day (or better yet, a lifetime!) free of housekeeping-inspired anxiety.

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