I absolutely HATE mornings. Today is picture day for Jacelyn, and the pressure was on for her hair to look good. Now, anyone who knows me knows that hair isn't exactly something I spend a lot of time on. I'm lucky if I remember to brush my own hair. Jacelyn's hair is a nightmare. Thin, baby fine, and cowlicks, EVERYWHERE. We have decided to let her bangs grow out, because she has a cowlick right on her forehead that sends her bangs askew if they are short. So her hairstyle is in an awkward, growing-out stage. I spent twenty minutes on her hair this morning. I finally ended up just pulling her hair into two pigtails in front, getting her bangs out of her face and leaving the back of her hair down. It took me forever to get the two pigtails aligned properly. The blame for bad hair will fall solely on my shoulders if her pictures turn out poorly.
I was a little dismayed yesterday when I opened her backpack. I knew picture day was coming, because it was on the calender, but that was all I knew. So yesterday, THE AFTERNOON BEFORE they take pictures, they send home the flier with all the package and payment options. The day before. And payment is due with the order form the next day. That might be OK for some people, but for me, if I don't budget it in advance, there's a chance the money won't be there. Last night, after church, I was looking at the picture flier and wondering what to do. I couldn't not buy her first school pictures! Brian's mother and sister were torn, when I asked for their thoughts. Brian's mother said we didn't even know if the pictures were going to be good (but I'm biased, I think pretty much every picture of my daughter is good). I called Brian to get his thoughts, and he told me to sign up for the biggest package and he would bring money with him that night, because he was coming into town. Ok, whew.
This morning, after spending far too long on Jacelyn's hair, I had to rush around to get myself ready. I poked a sleeping Brian and asked him where the picture money was, and he said by his wallet. So I go to retrieve said money, and the amount is $10 short. I poked him again, and asked if he had the other $10. He mumbled no. I wanted to meltdown. I was stressed because I was running late, and because I didn't have any cash on me and didn't have time to stop by an ATM. And because I had told him the night before, multiple times, how much the amount was, and that I didn't have any cash, and he still didn't bring enough. He always does that. Example: I will say, because I know him and his ways: "Brian, I need twenty dollars for ______ for Jacelyn, and I have no money. If I do not have $20 for Jacelyn for _____, she will not be able to do it. Please understand that I DO NOT have the money, any money, and need the full $20". He will say "Ok, Ok, geez, I'm not an idiot" and then give me twelve dollars. It's a vicious, dumb pattern that makes me want to choke him.
AND, last night, on the phone, he started complaining about his rent going up when he renewed his lease. How long did he renew it for? 7 MONTHS. One of us will not survive if we have to do this for another seven months. He really picked the wrong time to mention that. Frustration has been simmering for some time now, and frankly, I'm either going to boil over or burn out. I think I'm going to attempt a conversation with him this evening, after work. Attempt being the key word. It will be another drive of doom. Lacking privacy in the household, we have to drive around if we want to have a discussion and/or argument, and even though I will try my hardest to stay on my best behavior and watch my mouth, this has all the promise of an argument. Sigh. I don't want and don't intend to be disrespectful or mean. I just want him to know a few things. Like how his daughter doesn't talk about him when he's not there. About how she has become a bed-wetter for a couple of days after he leaves. The fact that he might be golden at work right now, but he's poo-brown with his family, and I don't mean me, I mean his parents and sister. That people joke about him not existing, about me just making him up.
Here's hoping the pictures and the discussion go well.